i try to be honest. say what's on my mind. live out in the open.
but there are things i don't like about myself. and these things are hard to look in the face, let alone lay on the table for others.
he has a way of always calling as soon as he's out of my head. it's like there's a censor in his brain, oh, she must be doing alright, i should call her and start the endless/boring/excruciating/embarrassing/guilt-ridden cycle all over again. still it retains its power over me.
is this because i'm weak? is it because of the things i can't look in the face? because of my complex and sometimes unfortunate relationship to my own sexuality? he called me last night and we talked about nothing, and it upset me just the same.
i had a nightmare last night. always the other woman. or another woman. or some reason why i don't deserve the whole of him (of anyone?)
i have an idea of how to do it the right way. but to go that way, i need a lot of patience, resilience against rejection, and the ability to get on board fully with someone. it's been so long since i've had to be accountable to someone else that i don't even know if i remember how.
i have a reasonable amount of faith that it will work itself out for the best. patience is the thing that's hardest to grasp, especially with this muhfucker calling me, testing my weakness, knowing my weakness more than any other person.
and sometimes i'd rather dream up supportive qualities in the men around me instead of recognizing the lack of such qualities in them. and recognizing that i am truly alone.
<3 you.. and it's so funny that this muhfucker is testing you, as mine always seems to be testing me. It will work out in the end, you possess
ReplyDeletetoo many good qualities for it not to. You gave me that ultimate gift of independence; and maybe that's how it has to go down. Opportunities will arise and your good friends give you the tools you need to not give a fuck as much anymore. Cause ultimately we are too weak, too nice, and care way too much. And it's their decision wether or not they want to partake in our lives in a normal way. If ever you need to vent ;-)