blues for mama

someone asked me the other day what i liked about myself. i said i keep it real. they asked what i meant by that...

i try to be honest. say what's on my mind. live out in the open.

but there are things i don't like about myself. and these things are hard to look in the face, let alone lay on the table for others.

he has a way of always calling as soon as he's out of my head. it's like there's a censor in his brain, oh, she must be doing alright, i should call her and start the endless/boring/excruciating/embarrassing/guilt-ridden cycle all over again. still it retains its power over me.

is this because i'm weak? is it because of the things i can't look in the face? because of my complex and sometimes unfortunate relationship to my own sexuality? he called me last night and we talked about nothing, and it upset me just the same.

i had a nightmare last night. always the other woman. or another woman. or some reason why i don't deserve the whole of him (of anyone?) 

i have an idea of how to do it the right way. but to go that way, i need a lot of patience, resilience against rejection, and the ability to get on board fully with someone. it's been so long since i've had to be accountable to someone else that i don't even know if i remember how. 

i have a reasonable amount of faith that it will work itself out for the best. patience is the thing that's hardest to grasp, especially with this muhfucker calling me, testing my weakness, knowing my weakness more than any other person.

and sometimes i'd rather dream up supportive qualities in the men around me instead of recognizing the lack of such qualities in them. and recognizing that i am truly alone.

keeping it cool

whew. your girl is moving up in the world... got AC in the apartment, just in time for hannah's arrival tomorrow... i can't wait to see her, it's been ages. it's her first time in new york!

only thing is the window unit kind of fucks up the bridge view from my bed. but for the hot months, i'll take AC over view, thank you very much. if it needs to be sexy we can take it to the couch... view's better from there anywayz.

i'm meeting a girl from school tonight.. she lives in bensonhurst (real close) so we're gonna chill around my neighborhood. i'm glad because although i live here, i haven't really gotten to chill around here much.

today i went with my landlord to buy the window unit at home depot, and afterwards he took me around south brooklyn. bensonhurst, coney island, brighton beach, sheepshead bay... i really like it down here. 

whew! feelin this chilly breeze too though! damn. all last week it was cool baths, very little clothes, and a lot of laying spread eagle on my bed under the fan blowing full blast. which is kind of romantic in a summer heat sort of way, but with guests coming pretty much nonstop until mid-july, i gotta keep it cool.

i went and got a pedi today (much needed) and i had my toes painted 'up at noon' hot pink. because honestly, i'm in hardcore summer mode, and i'm lucky to be up by noon. i know i know, i'm lazy and probably somehow a bad person for enjoying a summer like this. i'm not in school or working or doing much of anything besides chillin and i even have the gall to paint my toes 'up at noon' hot pink. blasphemous.

but i gotta admit, seeing as i'm trying to ball out once august comes around, it's been nice to indulge. you're only 23 and living in new york city alone and ain't got shit to do once, right?

brooklyn evening heat

charles is in heat again.

it's a summer thunderstorm outside and i've got django on the record player and i've temporarily converted my hallway into a den. cold tecate in a can, windows open, serene really but for charles trying to rub her ass on me any way she can, writhing into backbends on the wood floor.

i feel bad for her, but no more than i do for myself.

i am still trying to get my head around the fact that anais nin edited her husband out of  all her diaries. for such an exhibitionist to flaunt her diary (it is brilliant) and then hold private that huge aspect of her life... it's mind boggling. what are girls supposed to think? she steps over the most important part of a diary. 

my diary, without my lovers, is no diary at all.

everything else, i put it out there, for you to read, you few who actually do. maybe if anais had a blog, she would put her words there, and save her notebook for her lovers. some of them undoubtedly show up in her erotica...

but it brings up a point. how much of yourself is your work, and therefore belongs to others, and how much is solely yours? maybe one day it will be a dilemma i face... to open fully to the world, or keep some part sacred.

i think only the ones who hold something sacred get by all right in the end. but keeping half of myself secret is a difficult task, and i don't know what it ends up accomplishing. you never know what parts of yourself are exposed to any given person.

i was reading about anais and they said some people speculate on how much her husband could have meant to her if she kept him out. i say just because she didn't publish it, doesn't mean she didn't write it. i'm sure there are endless volumes... that's just who she is. she's a writer. 

and to be anais nin's husband, he must either be endlessly rich and boring, which would leave her time for all her lovers, or tragically dark and tempestuous, because those are the men she loves.

i guess from where i'm sitting at the moment, it's a wholly theoretical dilemma; just me and chazzy, in the brooklyn evening heat.

peekaboo with charles

it's hot here, and i must've caught a germ in the subway because now i feel sick. i kind of ran myself down the last few days as well. cassie was in town and we spent a lot of time together.

friday night we met at union pool but ended up at some glow-in-the-dark rave/art party that was actually really fun and weird. 

afterwards i looked like this:

then saturday we went to the fort greene flea market, and to a cool coffee shop, and dinner at momofuku.. the most insane meal i've ever had. 

first it was prosciutto-like ham with a coffee-bacon sauce, then melt-in-your-mouth pork buns with sriracha, then an assortment of pickled vegetables, then a crispy, spicy pork mixture with friend rice balls and a deep-fried softshell crab. in-fucking-sane.

dessert was at the milk bar next door... cereal milk soft serv ice cream, a compost cookie (with coffee, pretzels, potato chips, caramel, etc) and a slice of crack pie (butter and sugar, essentially).

it was all super intense flavors but an interesting dining experience.. the flavors were unexpected and creatively mixed and that made it truly unique.

after that we hit the bar again, of course, and now i feel sick and woke up and blew the most ridiculous loogie out of my nose.  i really REALLY don't want to have to go to a doctor becausei don't know where to go and i have no insurance and i feel like the doctor's office is probably a shit show in this city.

so i'm bedridden for the day, with the window open, watching cars cruise across the verrazano and it's pretty nice really. i am happy i get to live this summer in the city. 

i have a feeling this is the most free i will ever be 

was blind, but now i see

today i think i had maybe the coolest subway experience yet.

i was thinking really intensely, lost in my head really, and i didn't even see the guy come in. i looked up as he started playing 'lean on me' on the synthesizer setting on the keyboard. dude looked like snoop dogg.

it was silly and i started smiling and the vibe on the train was pretty cool. this was the N so it goes over the bridge, it's real nice to look at, unlike the L that shoots you under the river and makes your ears pop every time.

then he starts talking, saying that love is the highest, the only thing that will get us through. 'i know times is tough and stuff gets rough but love is life and love is the man up above.'

then he switches the setting to 'organ' and does amazing grace. everyone was moved. at the end he said he isn't asking for much, one dollar, ten cents, some kind words of encouragement...

and this italian guy's like 'god bless you man!' real loud and i said yeah, that was amazing, and a man with a hole in his throat probably from smoking all his life said thank you over and over and i realized maybe i just stumbled upon a small impromptu church, and i thanked god and carried it with me all day.

rock hard in a funky place

you know you have a cool cousin when they get you tickets to the donkey show when you come to town. seriously.

haha i will have to fill you in on this 'donkey show' when i get back. can't possibly be... must be a comedy show or something. 

i will be in boston for the weekend and i'm stoked! never been.

today i walked down to the verrazano bridge and caught some rays. what a beautiful piece of work. ever since i found out the mohawk indians built up all the bridges and skyscrapers, they feel more natural to me. the verrazano looks like a bow and arrow strung tight.

at night when i'm laying down i pull up the blinds so i can see the lights that run along the top of it from my bed. it's calming.

oh and i got a new mix! rock hard in a funky place. holla if you feel me and wanna dig on this. 

happy wknd.

slip slidin' away

yesterday it was cold and rainy and i had one of those days.

in 'slip slidin' away', paul simon sings:

i know a woman, became a wife

these are the very words she uses to describe her life

she said a good day ain't got no rain

she said a bad day is when i lie in bed and think of things that might have been.

he also says

the more you near your destination, the more you're slip slidin' away.

at times like these it's best to take the long view of life. i know it's coming i just have to be a little patient. and when i look around me, it's all there.

i started reading more joan didion and she's so amazing. i want to hold an anthology in my hands at the end of my life, and i want to have written it. but sometimes, reading her, i wonder if i can ever speak it so truly? i must learn to speak from my gut onto paper.

today i found a natural grocery near me (finally!!) and cleaned my whole apartment, including my bathtub, and took my first soak. i washed and oiled and gave myself a manicure and a pedicure.

tomorrow i have a job interview and the orientation for new york cares.

i'm ready for the world.