cold comfort

at the end of a long bad week. it always happens after my birthday--the hangover, the inevitable letdown after the awesomeness, and valentine's day.

now i'm not a hater of valentine's day, but it usually makes me sad. revisit the old wounds. wonder when i'll stop doing that.

i had a weird one this year; spent it with somebody, which helped, but kind of confused me, made me feel like i was settling. i'm sure he felt like that too.

i've given up on having sex, really, so i don't these days.

the root of this all is so deep it's hard to see where it starts. fuck tweezers, i need a scalpel and pliars. this city is too fast. i love chasing the goals, but i dream of slowness. the other night i dreamt of a little venezuelan town i discovered right outside of vegas.

the night before that i had a nightmare that katie from the class ahead was bedding my ex. completely random. stings.

i guess i'm just frustrated. this pinche cold, endless winter. the politics of school. wanting to talk about something else, and finding out there is nothing else, not right now. wanting the comfort of people knowing me well, someone who will take me out of the bar before i make an ass out of myself.

mitra says wait it out. mom says the lessons are hard to learn, but it's important to learn them. went to didion, but run river was cold comfort.

wait it out. wait it out.

what i'm worth.

lauren friedman edited this piece from an in-class interview assignment.

Roxanna

dance yourself clean

talking like a jerk except
you are an actual jerk
living proof that sometimes friends are mean

today is the day before spring semester starts. i did my laundry today, even my towels and sheets! stocked the fridge with kombucha. and spending the day catching up with my homegirls on the phone. sorting the brain.

tomorrow i start.

this is what i promise you i will do.

i will get paid.
i will focus.
i will get a press pass to sxsw.
i will land the internship.
i'll limit the drama, and limit my ties to it.
turn that energy into drive, burn that in the right places.

saturday night i went out with andrea and jim and we just danced ourselves clean. drank whiskey and danced, and the DJ played WHITNEY HOUSTON. possibly entered the fourth dimension.

Here's to Two of Three. Phase one of New Year's Resolution: make the most of my opportunities. make opportunities.

more snow

it's snowing again and i don't quite know what to do with myself. i'm trying to go to sleep earlier tonight, so i can wake up before three in the afternoon and wash some damn clothes, get my life in order.

but it's so cold out and my bed's nice and i just feel sad.

i called sanja to give her support and she ended up giving me some. i told her i just want to heal from the old hurt and have somebody who will be nice to me. she said i built an empire of roxanna and that can be intimidating.

i can't help but be strong-willed--i have to be to make it out here. i'm on my own, and i've kind of hardened myself for that.

but intimidating? there are only choice examples of where i'd want to be that. like earlier today, when dude followed me into the grocery store to holler, and then waited outside to walk me home. intimidating can work in my favor then.

but mostly, i wanna be loved. like really loved, for something deeper than the way my pout looks or even how it feels...

but the snow comes down and the home-base withdrawals have been raging and that's probably why i'm writing this longing out to begin with.

reset

i'm back at home now, came back to a paper shrine: christmas cards, hank williams on vinyl, strawberry stationery set from hannah. she was in town from houston and stayed at my apartment while i was gone, and left me a strawberry kombucha in the fridge. warmed my heart.

that trip was a voyage, a journey into the present of people with whom i've shared so much past. i fortified some bridges, fashioned some rafts. anything to get me across.

it's hard not to be sad sometimes, when i think of everyone i love and the lives they are leading at this exact moment. i want to be in all of it. i think that's greedy. but it's a happy ache, like ms. miet says.

now i'm getting to know snow, and sleeping 10, 12, 15 hours at a time. it's absolutely vital if i'm going to get back in top-grind shape. catching up with the ones i missed while i was gone.

i'm ready for this year. i'm scared, in awe when i think that this year is it-- one year to hustle this degree and land myself a sweet spot. so many possibilities, starting to take shape.

but first things first. a bed stuy chai and head to the city to get the brows lined up. see what the city's been up to.

kill em with calmness

There is a new ride at the Stratosphere that dangles you down the side, strapped to bungee cords. You can hear people scream from Cameron’s yard. He lives in the Country Club, sandwiched between the Hilton and the Stratosphere. His house feels like home. He's got RZA's version of Washington Crossing the Delaware.



I just dropped my mom off at the airport. We spent the last two days together, the last of which was one of the heaviest I've had in a while. Not because of her, but she tends to be with me at moments of peak emotional intensity. She helps me to process.

We got our nails done and went shopping, and took Charmaine out to dinner, and fixed Cameron's car. Or tried to. Cam and Lazar drove to Portland and back in the storms and now the Tacoma's maybe beyond repair.

So far I've driven Meliss' yellow mustang through the flash floods on Eastern; and Cam's Tacoma on the freeway while it shook violently... it didn't want to go past 45 mph. In Vegas on the freeways people do not bullshit. Finally I borrowed my dad's Mercedes and it has a Texas longhorn on the back, which I love, and no CD player, which is incredibly frustrating. Been listening to country and oldies.

The first nights were wild; missed my homegirls. The night at Rumor I saw so many people I haven't seen in a long time and there was drama. I realized that shit is just gonna come up now and then and I can't let it get to me too much anymore. Kill em with calmness.

Now I'm nursing my kidneys. Sleeping all day. Time now to sort shit out.

loves me like a rock

my kidney hurts. something back there hurts, and i remember last time that happened i ended up in the hospital for four days with the longest pit hair of my life.

i had big detox plans for when i got here, but those have had to be on hold. there is just too much. too many parties, and it's hard to say no to parties. especially with people i haven't seen a while. but i partied for weeks straight back in new york and i need to get my health on 100 so i can be ready to kill it when i get back up there.

it is always strange coming back home. calming to be with my fam. getting some much needed estrogen and perspective from the girls, and just space between my life now and me--for just a minute. reset the brain.

hopefully the next few days here can be a little calmer and i can do bikram for a week and juice. that's what my body (kidneys) really need.

got to plot out the next moves. this is going to be an important year--and i'm ready for it.